There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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