I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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