Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
there was a trapeze. enough said
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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