1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
