The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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