also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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