Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Randomize
