i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
