I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
