if you like me you must not know who I am
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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