We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
