I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
