Old men and throwing up are my life now.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
