is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
