What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
