At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
