Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Found the puke drawer
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
