Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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