last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
