I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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