i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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