alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
