Have you finally orgasmed yet?
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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