They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
