i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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