Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
