don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
