who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
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