What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Go christen that room with your naked body.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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