bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
