sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
