mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
