This is not my ceiling
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
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