I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
