You can't motorboat a personality
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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