and you said cock pushups were impossible
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
