Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Randomize
