Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Randomize
