You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
