Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
