Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
this will be a night to untag.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
