My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
In other news, I just burned my penis
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
