Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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