Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Dick very happy bro
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
