I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
