I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
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