So drunk its hurt
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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