So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
