Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
