M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
