Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Randomize
