the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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